I've left my God back home

This year I have a number of opportunities to retreat, twice in August and twice in October. The two retreats I had in August were accompanied by family. One was a church camp and the other one was seminary’s community coordinators get together camp.

The two retreats in October however were to do it alone with other seminarians of a spiritual formation class. My experience in these two latter retreats was amazing, especially the one in my first EPC (extended personal communion with God).

I went to the retreat with many questions ready for God. I wanted to take this opportunity to ask Him about many things He promised but had not been happening here in my life.

I felt my life (socially and spiritually) back home was a whole lot more challenging and fulfilling as compared to where I am living now. There is nothing much for me to do here in Southern California.

We don’t have any relative lives here, nor do we have any real close friend to talk to. My spiritual life has been like in a desert for awhile as dry as the California’s weather. Many churches here are dying. It took us about a year to finally settle down at a church in Alhambra. We don't want to consider mega church, as it's too big for us to get to know anyone, and smaller church is usually too small. We need an intergeneration church with ministries for children, youth, and adult. Often time, this turns out just like looking for a needle in a haystack. One usually finds a church either with adults and young children but with no youth, or a church mostly with youths but without the adult and children.

Church services are usually pretty short in mainline churches. Before you get anything (or before the pew get warm), the entire Sunday service is over. I have been grumbling about this ‘lukewarm kind of service” to my wife for quite some time. What is the use of seminary education - staying up late most nights reading an inexhaustible list of books and working on seemingly endless assignments and at the end none of which is preached in church. How can one go deeper into God’s word in such a mini service? How to get people interested in knowing God?

In seminary, it’s hard (for me) to feel God’s presence as readings and assignments usually preoccupied most of our being and mind and in church if I still don’t experience Him, where is my God? This question is exactly the same one when I asked Him in my first EPC during the retreat.

To my amazement, God spoke that day. He assured me again – “I did not leave you and I did not abandon you.” – I am the one who has left my God back home. This whole conversation took place in the first person pronounce “I”, whether it was the part God had spoken, or the part I responded in my mind.

To confirm I really 'heard' what it was just said, I re-paraphrased His saying to what sound like in Scripture. I asked God did you say, "I’ve never forsaken you nor abandoned you.” Immediately, I was being corrected. God’s voice resonated again in my heart “I did not leave you and I did not abandon you.” At that moment, I stopped…..and wept…..I knew God has never left me. I was the one who left God back home!